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I wish I could say I was going down a deep dark alley, but truth be told, it was so dark, I could not see whether there was one!
I could see nothing, I heard nothing. It was as if around me, suddenly, was a vacuum. People I loved no longer existed. The life I so loved, no longer thrived. The colorful world I had chosen around me suddenly wilted and burned down to a harrowing painful rubble. I was chained down, may be glued down, aching to move. I had become rock solid and could feel myself no more. It was as if I had been turned to stone, like in some movie I saw long back, but my soul was left in. My body seemed at its best, and yet the pain inside was tremendous! I could have crushed a mountain inside out with that intensity! I seemed to have become invisible. I could hear myself crying out for help from the inside. I could see myself as if as an outsider, and yet could offer that crying weeping dying soul no help! I stretched out my hand for help and was every time called crazy.

I was not celebrated. Well, if I was, let's say I couldn't see it. That's how you are supposed to be right? You can't say you hate anyone. You can't say you felt like killing a loved one. You can't say you feel like killing yourself. You reach out to the nearest ones, the ones you rely on. You try to speak your heart out. The only thing that comes out is a gush of angst! A representation of how clueless, useless, needless, and absolute shit you feel yourself to be! No one gets all that. All they see is the one "who's lost it completely", "who shouldn't be doing what she's doing", "who's got to gather herself up" for the very beings whom she feels like murdering! That feels very soothing, doesn't it?

You are left to your own in a bitter burning world, stuck to one place, unable to move, not allowed to feel, not allowed to cry, not allowed to be you, a machine that was made to birth and provide. Your past, present, future crumbling in front of you, as you watch sobbing inside, forbidden from being.
Trust me, that's not an easy place to be.

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